The fantastic discussion about Rule #18 gave me an idea for another rule: Gaining weight does not mean you have, in some way, failed yourself, society, or your friends and family. This comment in particular, from one of our readers, stuck a cord with me:
“So true… I guess in reality, some just feel so much better and glad when they see people heavier than them or have put on weight. I feel it is the same consolation that some sadists get when they see another person fail. It gives them a feeling of importance. Of course, putting on weight is far far away from failure but in the society’s eye, it seems to be.”
Just as we see weight loss in our society as some kind of accomplishment worthy of the utmost praise, (See Rule # 15 and Weight Loss Fantasy), we see weight gain, even the slightest weight gain, as a personal failure. The woman who made the comment about my recent weight gain felt comfortable saying what she did not only because weight is seen as a public issue in our society, but also because she felt as though I saw it as some kind of personal failure. She assumed that I, like her, see weight gain as a really horrible thing which is why she felt the need to relate to me on the issue by confessing that she had also gained about five pounds herself.
I must confess that in my pre-cheeseburger days, I too felt like putting on weight was a horrible failure which is why I avoided it at all costs. Every time the scale tipped a little higher I freaked out because for me, it represented one step away from having the “perfect, ideal” body that I desired and one step towards becoming “fat.” In retrospect, I of course see this as completely ridiculous. I neither celebrate if I lose a few pounds nor get down on myself if I have gained weight. I truly do have better things to concern myself with.
I remember one time, a few months before my wedding, I was having lunch with a friend. She had been married for a short while and was giving me advice and the topic of weight gain came up. I remember so vividly what she said to me, “You don’t have to gain weight in your first year.” She said it with a little laugh, as if it was a horrible thing if I did gain weight. At the time I was probably a size 4 (somewhere in the 120’s) so the fact that she felt the need to warn me about first-year of marriage weight gain was very odd even for me at the time (that was back in the day when I was majorly controlling my food in-take and working out like crazy).
Dr. Stacey, over at Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder, discussed this very point about how to address people who feel the need to make body comments:
You don’t need to say anything about my body or about the way I look. I can connect with you in so many ways, outside of my appearance. Can’t we focus on that?”
I guess what I have come to realize is that weight gain symbolizes something very bad in our society, even if it is ever so slight. It triggers feelings of self-doubt, loss of control and the fear of getting fat. And I guess that is why it seems so important for people to talk about it constantly with each other. The fear is so gripping, so real, it overtakes you and then you end up saying really idiotic things to people. Well, Tiffabee is here to tell you that if you gain weight, you are in NO way a personal failure. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you are.
Except for domesticated dogs and cats, we humans are the only species I can think of who try not to gain weight in general.
Seriously, picture this: A pride of lions brings down a gazelle. Two huge tomcat lions are walking toward the kill. One sez,
“You go ahead, Bill. I had a big lunch and besides, I’m trying to slim down for Springtime.”
Right.
It just doesn’t happen.
Most animals eat all they can, whenever they can, and aren’t too worried about gaining weight.
I wonder if weight-gain is vilified due to the connotation of being ‘out of control’…? Or if people see it as a sign of personal neglect? I don’t know.
It has been a rough week for me, emotionally and I needed to read this. When I read just the title I almost started crying.
these last two post hit me exactly where i live. why, why, why do we even want to be thin? imagine how peaceful life could be for everyone if “thin” meant nothing. ahhhhhh.
I am glad the comment meant something… thnk u
Yet, I just want to mention that during the pretty rough times that one goes through, sometimes personal rules are just not consoling enough. The feedback I seem to get from the society is too taxing that it takes a great deal of strength to stick to the right philosophies. I eat right, I exercise right, I feel healthy, light and good. Yet, when the clothes dont fit and you feel a misfit among your puny friends ( esp. those who gorge and still stay tht way), something heavy bogs me down. It is great to listen to the voice that says that I am not a failure and I love my body. Yet, the voice which says “This is unfair”is just too loud to ignore. I am sorry I had to say this… but sometimes it is hard to eat the cheeseburger without a disturbing thought.
Seriously just the title of this blog gets to you great post. It’s like you always feel as if you have to be working on your weight. It takes over your mind and you almost can’t focus on anything else. We all should just celebrate that we’re healthy gaining or losing weight!