“Have you lost weight” can generally be taken one of two ways. 1) Wow…you’re looking really good! I can visibly tell that you have lost weight and I like it. Or 2) is everything ok? Are you eating properly? Are you making sure not to over-exercise or obsess over your weight?
Back in my pre-cheeseburger days, I used to love when people asked me this question. It meant that I had accomplished my goal of looking thinner. I had lost weight. I had won the battle over fatness. I was thin! But now, I know that when my friends ask me this question, they are asking out of concern. They are keeping me on my toes and making sure that I’m not reverting back to my old ways of crazy dietary restrictions and countless hours at the gym.
I’m not saying that everyone who loses a few pounds is secretly trying to starve themselves down to a size 2. Or that thinness is some kind of indication of a bad body image. In fact, from my experience, weight fluctuations are quite common. But I am saying that I think in our society, that question has become a type of compliment. To ask someone “Have you lost weight” in an optimistic tone is to congratulate them on the fact that it’s noticeable. They are meeting their goal! Keep it up!
Now what happens when people ask the opposite question: “Have you gained weight?” Well first off, most people who have any social scruples wouldn’t ask such a question; mostly because that question is considered insulting, absurd and totally out of line. Why would anybody put you through such humiliation?! I think it’s interesting that the question “Have you lost weight?” can be the ultimate compliment in our society while “Have you gained weight?” is a complete social taboo (not that that stops people from asking it).
As much as we believe here at EAC that weight is not a public issue, I do believe that there are situations where we can discuss it in private settings without offense. I mean, body image is such a huge part of our world as women, so we have to be able to talk about it with each other. For me, when my best friend asks me if I’ve lost weight, because she knows my checkered past with disordered eating, I see it as her way of showing her concern for me. She wants to make sure that I’m ok and that I have not gone down the “bad road” again.
Of course I acknowledge that this doesn’t hold true for everyone. And some people would rather their friends not ask them this question at all which I completely respect. Perhaps instead of asking each other “Have you lost weight?” we should ask each other on a frequent basis, “How is your body image?” “How are you doing with accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself?”
I think being a good cheeseburger friend means unlearning what we have always accepted as true from media and our society in general when it comes to weight and body image. Being a good cheeseburger friend means learning to stop asking the question “Have you lost weight?” as some kind of disguised compliment.
So I pose this question to you: do you have good cheeseburger friends in your life? To me, a good cheeseburger friend is one who doesn’t let me talk bad about my body. It’s someone who challenges my thoughts and helps me question what the media feeds me about my body. It’s someone I can always go grab a cheeseburger with:-)
I try to be a good cheeseburger friend. When I hear a friend talking bad about his/herself I try to say, “Look, I wont let strangers talk about you that way, so I’m not going to let YOU talk about yourself that way.” And I try to show them that these diet books and depriving yourself of certain foods isn’t good for you mentally. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. To tell yourself “no I can’t” will make you want a whole package of cookies later on tonight when you get home. They don’t always listen though. And some of them are so brainwashed by the junkfood science that OMGFAT is going to make us drop dead next week.
I want them to realize that if you just accept yourself as you are and are happy with you, that you’ll be healthier. Size 2 doesn’t mean healthy, being happy and having energy at any size is what is healthy. Hating yourself will get you nowhere and being mean to yourself is just wrong.
I was thinking about this a lot the other day and how hard it is to find a good cheeseburger friend, because even though you have a great friend who has been there through tough times they may not hold the cheeseburger ideals. Good thing I do have at least one cheeseburger pal!
this took a while for me to clairfy, but I wanted to say-you’re making the same mistake that most people who say “you’ve lost weight” do-assuming that the weight loss is intentional and a result of something the person chose. To give a personal anecdote, two months after my roommate died in an already pretty awful semester of college, I had lost weight. noticeably. but really-my response to “how’s your body image? are you doing okay with accepting yourself?” would have been-My body image is the last thing on my mind right now. but F-you for bringing it up and implying that I’m doing it wrong” The more constructive take on this-perhaps make it less specific. ask “how are you? Is everything going ok?” If they talk about dieting, you can be a good cheezeburger friend. If they had stomach flu, you can sympathize, and not give them the impression you think they did something wrong.
Yes! Having “cheeseburger friends” is so important…a loving, unbiased means of support from a like-minded friend is invaluable.
It always flips me out that some people just generally use “appearance” as the starting-ground for a conversation…”Did you do something to your hair?” “Are those pants new?” or “those shoes make you so tall!” are common examples, along with the already-discussed “YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT!”
I’ll have to say I prefer ANY other conversation-starter to a reference to my appearance.
“Did you enjoy your vacation in Belize?”
“It’s so good to see you! We missed you at the Smith’s party!”
“Have you had a chance to see (new popular movie) yet?”
“Are you reading anything good?”
If you have to say something about someone’s appearance, a sincere “You look great!” always hits the mark. In fact, if someone says, “I’m tired” or “I’m just getting over a cold”, sometimes I’ll say, “well you LOOK fantastic!”
I’ve had people tell me, “You look tired”…wth?? Tired like I just flew in from Australia or tired like I just had acrobatic sex all night? I’m not tired! I’m just not grinning ear-to-ear!
Complementing someone’s clothing, without reference to their figure, is usually well-received…I just don’t prefer it as a conversation-opener. But I’ll admit that I’ve complemented strangers on their clothing if I really like it…”Your dress is beautiful!” to the woman waiting in line behind me at the post office…”I love the shade of nail polish you’re wearing!” to the checker at the grocery store I see a few times a week.
I guess in any case, sincere, positive compliments are the way to go. Now we just have to keep re-enforcing that “you lost weight!” is not universally GOOD.
And I’m with Pattie…it’s always supportive to tell your friends positive things in moments of self-loathing…”I wouldn’t say that to my best friend, and it hurts me to hear you say that about yourself! You are a beautiful woman and I love you!”
It just occurred to me, too, that women seem more prone to “appearance reference” as a way to find common ground, socially…how many times have you heard one MAN say to another,”That Rogaine’s working for you, Josh!” or “Your biceps are looking meaty! Have you been lifting?”
pfft. Lots of skinny men are concerned about their LACK of ‘weight’, but other men don’t comme up to them and say, “YOU’RE GETTING BIGGER!” as a ‘compliment’
It’s especially uncomfortable when someone says enthusiastically, “YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT!” and when you tell them you haven’t, they are at a loss for words.
Well you look great either way!”
* : )
[...] Eat a Cheeseburger, How to be a Good Cheeseburger Friend [...]
Yes and I try to be that cheeseburger friend as well! I recently just lost some weight and I most of it to working out with that person. We didn;t want to dissapoint the other person so when we wanted to be lazy and not work out, we did it anyways!
То что бредомысли это точно
Видно настиг творческий кризис. Мысле нет о чем писать
Love this article! Every time I feel I am exercising too much and risking losing any curves, I go eat a good cheeseburger, topped with bacon and cheese, and I only want to do it with those who don’t comment on what the burger is doing to me. My husband is my best cheeseburger friend. It’s Memorial Day weekend, and I have a minimum of 3 cheeseburger days ahead of me, and I am quite happy.
Здравствуй! Спасибо за подаренные хорошие эмоции…
I liked what KB said, I would prefer someone ask me “How are you doing?” I think it is wrong to even discuss weight gain or loss. I agree that it is seen as a compliment to ask if you’ve lost weight, but if someone was concerned about my weight I think that would cause just as much anxiety. I think as women who are looking for something deeper and richer beyond the circumfrence of our waist we should move our attention towards our feelings about the world around us and how it affects us.
Love, love love your blog…so i must say…time to update!!!
To me a good friend is someone who does not bring up my weight at all, PERIOD. My dream is that someday people will find something better to talk about.
very profound story. Not sure if I can agree though.