Do you ever catch yourself staring down other women? Speculating their pant size? Analyzing what they’re wearing? In essence, comparing yourself to them? I know I’ve been guilty of it more than once.
One of the things that bugs me the most about fashion and tabloid magazines is the “who wore it better” section (like the pic above). I’m sure many of you have seen it. It generally features two celebrities who wore the same outfit and asks the reader to decide who wore it better.
Some of you might find it harmless, but I think it only contributes to our nasty little habit of unhealthy comparisons. The who wore it better mentality is all about pitting women against each other and asking us to be the judge. It’s this mentality that gives us a false sense of empowerment and makes us feel like we are the judges of other people’s bodies (in contexts outside of fashion magazines).
We can see from all the comments on Rule #15 that many of us have experienced the harmful affects of other people’s thoughts and opinions on our bodies. I know I have been negatively affected by even the nicest of “compliments.”
I remember one time I did a crash diet that landed me lower than my high school weight (my size 4’s were baggy) and I got SO many compliments on my weight loss. This was confusing to me because I was thin before. The “compliments” made me wonder what was wrong with me before? Why did I look better just cause I was thinner? And that’s when the eating problems began.
So I made a decision a long time ago (after I recovered) that I wasn’t, for the most part, going to comment on people’s bodies anymore. I might compliment you on your dress or your earrings, but your body is not mine to judge and not mine to comment on. Most of my friends thought my stance to be extreme and even harsh (and probably still do). But I see weight and body as very sensitive, private issues (specifically for women). I have decided to work on keeping my eyes on my own body and I invite you to do the same! ☺
(Ps. If you think a friend might have an eating disorder, then this rule obviously goes out the window. I was well on my way to a full-blown eating disorder until a few of my friends stepped in and told me I had a problem and I am SO grateful for them.)
I see women at my job do it all the time and without shame. They’ll be talking to me in the lobby or breakroom or something, another woman walks by and they stare her up and down–unconscious of the fact that I’m standing there looking at them (or apathetic). I find it interesting, most guys don’t do that, but I think one of the reasons (because I think there’s more than one) is the media’s pressure on women to be “beautiful” and objects of desire. I see my wife do it from time to time. 😉
My quadmates used to watch “America’s Next Top Model” and do this. They would critique each of the girls and proclaim them either “pretty” or “ugly.” I usually couldn’t take it (maybe because I’ve never been secure enough with myself to cast judgment on others’, or maybe because I sincerely have a hard time judging people by looks alone), but one of my friends said even though she knew it was stupid, she was captivated by it nonetheless. So, even though my friend knew that what she were doing was potentially harmful (even to herself), she kept at it anyway? I think this is a sign of just how warped we’ve become in judging how other people look. Does anybody even know what it means to have character anymore?
Dolly, I think we know that it’s not people who are “secure enough” with themselves who cast judgement. It’s the ones who are saying “I may be ugly, I may be fat, I may not be beautiful, but at least I can judge others as harshly as I judge myself.”
I think a certain amount of comparison and assessment of the bodies of others may come from a distorted self-view…I know I really lose track of reality between ‘how I wish I look’, ‘how I used to look’, ‘how I might look if I have a milkshake every day’, ‘how a model looks’, ‘average size’, ‘plus size’ ‘ideal’ or ‘just right’…
How often do we stop to guage how we look instead of checking in with how we feel?
When I feel terrible, I always look worse. *haha!*
When I see a person who’s not looking great, most of the time it isn’t because of their size or weight.
Personally, when I catch myself comparing mySELF to the way other people look (who wears it better?) I am coming from a dysmorphic starting point.
I wonder how much of this is actually the female version of gay panic? We all know that straight guys aren’t “supposed” to think of other men as attractive ever, but there might be a bit of stigma there for straight women as well. I’ll stare (inconspicuously, I hope) at someone whose look catches my eye, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just looking, and maybe wondering how an outfit might look on you, or speculating about whether you could carry off a certain hairstyle. But for someone who’s a bit insecure, there might be a need to “cover up” for that kind of staring (I’m not gay! I’m not looking at that woman because she’s interesting to look at! I’m just *judging* her, I swear).
whaa….??
I don’t get the whole ‘staring at other women might mean I’m a lesbian’ angle.
I love clothes, fashion, dressing up, hairstyles, accessories, shoes, handbags, manicures…hell, I even wear FAKE hair sometimes! Blue dredlock extensions! And I’m tattooed….I’m almost disappointed if people don’t look at me! *haha!*
And many people do compliment my clothes, hair, or hell, sometimes just tell me I have great “energy”…if anyone has anything bad to say, they are smart enough to keep their mouth shut when I might be looking.
If someone does have the balls to be rude (on purpose)
in some way, I usually confront them with their behavior in one way or another.
Sure, I look at other womens’ clothes and style all the time! If they look back at me I smile! Sometimes, if it is genuine, I offer them a compliment! Share the love, man, because pretty much everyone will appreciate a sincere compliment.
“That dress is so cute!”
“I love your hairstyle! Did you do it yourself?”
“Whoa! Nice rock!” (if they are wearing a diamond)
“I love your shoes!”
If the person really does not want to be bothered, you may get a weak smile or nothing at all, but many times people are happy to be noticed in a positive way.
* : )
this is an amazing post, and a great website. i have just written about something similar on seeking approval. i think it was timely to bump into this blog.
i really disapprove of people basing everything on looks. some say im not being realistic, but you know, its only because every body out there has been victim to this kind of thinking. i applaud you for this blog.
i will eat a cheeseburger!
I broke this one just today. A nice young man I work with came in, and he was in a cheerful mood, and wearing a black sleeveless T and some non-baggy pants for once; I saw that his arms had become very very muscular all of a sudden, so I asked him if he’d been lifting weights. He said he had, for a couple months, and was so happy to have the compliment. He really does look nice. Though I told him not to forget to stretch – those freeweights can leave you musclebound.
But actually, this is a good rule and in general, I do follow it. 🙂
Patricia Fraser, I just wanted to say that I have known plenty of people who were genuinely cocky, arrogant, proud of their looks, and quite secure in their own superiority that enjoyed tearing down other people’s looks, etc. I don’t think I buy that it’s always covering for some deep, buried secret self-loathing. Sometimes people are just rotten and mean and evil, even though they love themselves quite a bit.
You are right, Annie, some people are just jerks. But I try to maintain the attitude of “more to be pitied than scorned”.
…”Sometimes people are just rotten and mean and evil, even though they love themselves quite a bit.”
..those people can suckkittt..~8whoops!* I mean….Eat a Cheeseburgerrrr!! *hahaha!*
I disagree with the women being seen as lesbian thought. From my experience and I think most people will agree, women are free to look at other women without the fear of being labeled gay. Men can’t do that, not even in these times. If it’s not looked at as gay its looked at as weak…
Great Post…and I too wish if ppl just be concerned with themselves and stop starin up and down others ! it is so painful when i just find others eyes on me checkin me out…and wats more awful about it that they dont take it back or turn around if they caught em staring ! at all….they just go on and on !!…it is so ugly.
wish if women stop doin it too !
You know, I’ve never been on to “stare someone up and down”, but I’ll admit that in the past, I have had fleeting judgemental thoughts. “Oh, she shouldn’t be wearing that,” kinds of thoughts. But recently, I have found my thoughts changing. I don’t have those thoughts as much anymore, and when I do, I tell that voice in my head to shut up.
On the other hand, though, I’ve found myself admiring other women – of ALL shapes and sizes – if they catch my eye. Again, I don’t stand there and leer, but if I happen to see them, and some aspect of them looks good, then THOSE are the thoughts that occupy my mind now. For example, there is a fat woman that I see practically every day. I don’t know her name, but she’s a beautiful Asian (I’m thinking Korean but I can’t be 100% sure) woman, and I’ve noticed that she seems to be taking more interest in her clothes and the way she looks in general – and she’s looking GREAT, I must say! I’m not quite brave enough to go up to her and say anything, but I can’t fail to notice how good she’s been looking lately. Is that wrong of me?
As much as you might disagree with me, I simply can’t believe that it could be.
Yeah i have done that the comparison thing. I also have been raised that way, so it is really hard to stop because sometimes I don’t even catch myself doing it. I hear it from others all the time “she needs to not wear that…haha” it is do rude. I need to get rid of this habit it is no ones place to say these things!
Patricia, I agree with what you said and I would even take it one step further. I have to say those who are truly secure in their perception of their bodies appreciate everyone for the beauty they posses. I say this because one of my very good friends with an incredible body constantly amazes me by pointing out how different body shapes can be beautiful whereas I know that I am total sold on the coat hanger look, in fact sometimes I wonder even if I did look like a coat hanger would I still think I could lose some weight, cause I’m pretty sure the answer would be yes.
I think this is a great rule and I know I am totally guilty of breaking it all the time but from now on I’m going to at least try to be conscious of it. (I thought about saying incorporate it into my life but I think being conscious of it is a more feasible step in the right direction)
I do know that one may not be a lesbian if she is staring at another women, but you got to admit that it does have homo erotic undertones. I do not buy that people who make rude judgmental comments about others bodies is secure, because if you were secure and had any sense of self esteem you would
1. Not be constantly looking at other w omen’s bodies because you do not feel the need to compare yourself with others and make rude comments
2. You understand the concept of boundaries, and realize that it is none of your BUSINESS how another womens body shape is (and to make rude comments)
I hate seeing people make rude comments about other peoples bodies, I liken them to rapists and other social or psychopaths because they all have issues with boundaries.
Nice one! I really like this funny article. More cheese burger please!
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