This is a phrase we use a lot around here so we thought we would finally go ahead and make it an official rule. This rule was inspired by an unfortunate incident I had with an acquaintance of mine. Last night, I was with a group of women who I haven’t really seen in a while. One of the women grabbed my arm and said “Have you been eating ham hocks or something?” I was seriously confused by her comment and really didn’t know what she meant. (Afterall, I thought she knew that I don’t even eat ham.) She perceived my confusion and clarified, “You’ve put on some weight.” I was stunned. It’s been so long since someone has made a comment about my body that I really didn’t know what to say.
I stumbled over my words, shrugged my shoulders and finally said “Oh, I don’t really care.” With a look of embarrassment on her face, she then attempted to relate to me on the issue, “I know I have. I’ve gained about five pounds or so.” I then thought, “Wait! Is she still talking to me about this? I thought my cold response would have effectively ended the conversation.” As we were all leaving our friends house she continued with telling a story about how a co-worker of hers had recently lost about 40 or 50 pounds by simply “working out more.” She sounded almost envious of her co-workers weight loss which was super confusing to me because she herself recently lost 40 or 50 pounds this past year. I guess she wanted to lose more.
In retrospect, I really wish I would have been more on my toes and quick-witted. I would have said a few things that would have made her head spin. But I was so shocked by her comment that I didn’t know what to say. Many of my comments in the Crazy Things People Say Thread were made to me a long time ago. I just hadn’t experienced it in so long, it rendered me completely speechless.
In reality, I have gained probably about five lbs since I last saw this person. So the fact that she even noticed that I had gained weight is peculiar. Is she really looking that hard? Is it really that important to her?
I share this story to illustrate the point that we have been trying to make all along on this blog: WEIGHT IS NOT A PUBLIC ISSUE!!!!! And besides the fact that comments like these are incredibly rude and offensive, they are also potentially dangerous. Despite the many times that I have shared with this person that I have suffered with body image issues my entire life (and a pseudo eating disorder at one point), she still felt comfortable enough to just say what she saw: I’ve been eating more, I’ve gained weight.
I think the reason people feel so comfortable making comments about other peoples bodies is that at every turn we are bombarded with weight loss commercials, diet pills, weight loss foods, gym advertisements, reality shows highlighting weight loss, etc. So it gets embedded in our minds that weight is something we should all be openly talking about and encouraging each other to lose more of.
It never even occurred to this person that maybe I didn’t think gaining five pounds was such a big deal, or maybe that I might have even been trying to gain it. In our society’s worldview, the idea that weight gain is not a big deal, a life crisis or something that one might be trying to achieve is completely ludicrous. And that’s because we don’t know anything different and many of us don’t want to know anything different. Thinner is better is all we know and all we want to know. And within this mentality, any weight gain is bad and means that you are effectively on your way to being “fat.”
I have a message to all of you crazies out there: PLEASE stop making comments about peoples bodies! It’s none of your business! My weight, my body and my pants size is none of your business. It’s not ok to just say whatever comes to your mind when it comes to someone else’s body. Stop projecting your neurotic need to be a size 4 on me!
I’m constantly amazed too….it’s like this giant MEME…”losing weight is good. gaining weight is bad.” and everyone just accepts it! Weird! And treats the topic of weight like we once talked about the weather!
“Looks like rain.”
“Yep. Gonna be a downpour. Did you bring your umbrella?”
And if someone were to say, “Umbrella? F8%k that. I like to run around and feel the water splashing on my face.” nobody would know what to think.
You aren’t trying to lose weight? You don’t care about other peoples’ weight? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Get with the program! “Weight-loss” is the new national passtime, huh.
Just recently my drunk neighbor was excited about playing a song “for me” – he was so happy about tossing on MIKA’s “Big Girl You Are Beautiful”…I had never heard it before. Instead of making me feel all positive and empowered and appreciated, it was more like just another sick reminder. Oh yeah. I almost forgot. I’m ‘fat’. Still pretty though! And the gay neighbor loves it! Let’s sing! *hahaha!*
I can’t believe that woman said that to you! And the WAY she said it–ham hogs? Really? What an ignorant … person.
i would love to see this cheeseburger rule reach people everywhere!!! i was in (an unfortunately long) line at subway the other night and the guy in line in front of me decided to have a (one-way) conversation about weight with me. he proceeded to tell me how one of friends (female) lost 30 pounds recently eating subway everyday for 30 days and about how great she looks now. like i care? im in line at subway bc i dont feel like making dinner tonight, not because im going to utterly deprive myself into culinary boredom for a month because i want to lose 30 lbs and look “great” to creeps who feel its okay to talk to total strangers about other peoples weight. keep a journal or something dude, nobody cares but you anyway.
Oh. My. God.
I like to think that I’m just SO secure and quick-witted that I’d have been able to effortlessly put that woman in her place, but I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t have reverted to the old “put up and shut up” mentality and gone along with it. I’m so sorry she said that to you.
If the weight difference was only five pounds? I’m guessing that she might have some skewed ideas about body image – what she looks like, what other people look like, etc. I tend to remember people as thinner than they are (because i’m inclined to think of myself as fatter than they are by a big margin), so i’m sometimes surprised when i see them again and realize i didn’t remember them correctly.
Some folks might be inclined to not see it as “i remembered them wrong”, but rather “they were thin/thinner and now they’re fat/fatter!” You haven’t changed, but you’re not how they remembered. I hope i made that all make sense outside of my head. O.o
Wow, that is SO out of line! Do people really not have anything else to talk about?! Even though you don’t buy into the size 4 fantasy, that woman obviously does and in assuming you do too, her comment was just absolutely socially unacceptable and insulting! I agree though, even if she had commented on weight loss, that would not be okay either. Body comments are off limits!
Yes, it is rude. Yes, it is dangerous. But, unfortunately, some people are rude, and others screw up and say rude things.
I think you did okay. If you want to actually spend a lot of time with this person you might want to clarify this in some way.
There’s putting it back on them: “I have no idea. Why do you ask?”
There’s confronting them: “Why would you ask such a rude question?” or, at a party, “Is there a prize for who is the most rude?”
There’s dismissing the topic: Anything from “I have no idea what I weigh”, or “I don’t care. Excuse me.” This works best if you then leave, or go talk with someone else, or change the subject.
There’s playing with them: “Yes, isn’t it wonderful?” (best said with a beaming smile; you can leave them wondering why it’s wonderful, or add “I haven’t thrown up in months!” or “I think the tapeworm is finally dead!”). Or “No, I’ve lost” (if you gained) or “No, I’ve gained” (if you lost).
Finally, there’s the cold freeze: A pointed stare, very cold, like examining a rare insect and then turning to find someone to talk to. This is a form of shunning, so you’d better be prepared to keep it up.
Eep… you can bring it up now, I meant, if you want to get to know this person better. *facepalm* But if this isn’t someone you want to make a friend of, that’s where the backing away works fine.
I think that rude woman must have meant “ham haunches”
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/haunch
well you might have misunderstood the word itself, but after her elaboration it’s clear what she meant. pfft.
It gets on my nerves any time a person – a total stranger! – wants to strike up a convo about losing weight. grr. just keep it to yourself, buddy.
Lindsay—you are totally making sense. I actually have this whole theory that people just like thinner better regardless of how much you weighed before…so they just see a bigger or “fatter” you even if you were 100 lbs before! I have always been a relatively thin person but this woman just saw a bigger me and assumed that I was down about it or something when the reality is I really don’t care that I’ve gained weight (which is what I ended up saying to her). Anyway, my point is, yes, I am totally with you on your comments.
Living400lbs—those are great suggestions! I promise to be more on my toes next time. And I do plan on revisiting the issue with her either over coffee or just next time I see her in a social setting. Not so much for my own piece of mind but to see if I can help her with her own body insecurities because even before this incident it was always clear to me that she had them.
I think she meant “ham hocks”, but either way it’s one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard. I am so sorry that happened to you. I fail to understand why everyone in the universe wants to talk about weight changes when it really doesn’t matter.
That’s really rude and mean, and it would have been rude and mean whether it had been about weight or anything at all about your appearance. To me, people making weight-related comments get a pass if they mean it as a compliment “You look great! Have you lost weight?” coming from someone with a skinny complex means the exact same thing to me as “You look great! Have you put on some weight?” coming from someone from a culture that values bigger girls. That’s just their way of being nice. Thinking that “nice” requires a compliment about your weight is *their* deal; you don’t need to make it yours.
Now this person here is the exact opposite. Just made a comment to be mean, even though you had not put on weight at all (I don’t think 5 pounds is visible). That has nothing to do with our culture, or how the media worships thin, or anything. That is just a mean person. Mean. Biotch.
i think she meant “ham hocks”. which is what a lot of fat haters call fat women’s (usually) legs or arms , etc…
im going to call a spade a spade & say that this woman was being really passive-aggressive..she has a brain made of diarrhea & it leaks out of her mouth. she wanted to slam you –in her mind, obviously, she hates fat & fat people– & at the same time point to herself abouthow superior she is (having lost weight, etc).
i honestly have the hardest time with people like this –i am currently having to put up with a narcissistic passive-aggressive coworker who could be this woman’s doppleganger. they are broken. they are fundementally effed up, shallow, selfcentered, needy, negative bitches who relish putting other’s down. much like pedophiles, they cant be rehabbed becaunse being a cunt is their basic personality, & causing pain to others to make themselves feel good about themselves is their lifeblood.
Here’s why i have the hardest time with these worthless pieces of shit: any dinified decent respectable comeback you have to give them, they twist it around & only get louder & shriller about how FAT IS BAD & RUINING THE WORLD! IT”S DISGUSTING! etc…
Really, if anyone has any ideas on how to handle these people… the only thing i ca think of to shut them down is getting rude & finally just saying HEY, MYOB; & my body is NONE your business.
i’m sorry too that she said this to you tiffabee.
while I was on the bus earlier, these two girls, aged about 17, were sitting behind me chatting. during the course of the conversation, one of them mentioned weight a couple of times and from the way she said it, my highly- tuned -into- this- crap brain speculated that she probably had some issues with weight. As the bus was pulling up to the last stop, the girl’s friend asked her if she wanted to go to mac donalds for something to eat with her. the girl replied ‘no, i’ve been eating like such a pig lately, i really have. if i go to mac donalds, i’ll wake up tomorrow and be like a size ten.’ (I live in europe, we have diff sizes, this is about american size six)
she said it like being a size six would be like theworstthingeverlikeoh.my.gosh.
just for a second, i just felt really bad about my own body, then i remembered that hang on a second, i like my body. and its what i think of it that matters. not what the fashion industry thinks, not the dominant culture’s current notion of the ideal female form…. and not even random girls on the bus.
it also helped when her friend articulated one variation of what i’d been thinking
‘ok, just stop talking’ (!)
That’s just… jaw-droppingly unbelievable. But it says a lot more about her than it does about you!
Reminds me of the time I was admiring an outfit in a dress shop window, when I heard a voice behind me saying “Ya like that, do ya? You’ll never be able to fit into it!”
I turned around to see a guy I had never seen before in my life, standing there looking very pleased with himself for making such a witty remark. Of course, I was too stunned and surprised to say anything back.
Anyway, I ended up buying the outfit (size 12).
Some time later I saw him at the dry-cleaner’s. He didn’t recognise me at first (because all fat chicks look the same) but of course, I recognised him. So I gave him the filthiest, dirtiest look I could possibly muster.
Then he cringed.
I like the Miss Manners approach: blink a couple of times, and then calmly ask, “What in the world would possess you to ask such a personal question?”
Recently I was with a group of women rehearsing for a show, and several of them (the thinnest in the group) kept trying to turn the conversation to our body size.
One woman had just lost 30 pounds and was fishing for compliments (she lost it because she starved herself as she went through a traumatic divorce.)
Another randomly grabbed my midsection and said “I want one of those! How cute!” Drawing attention to her thinness.
Being with women like this just DRAINS me…the larger women in the group were so much more interesting and confident.
So true… I guess in reality, some just feel so much better and glad when they see people heavier than them or have put on weight. I feel it is the same consolation that some sadists get when they see another person fail. It gives hem a feeling of importance. Of course, putting on weight is far far away from failure but in the society’s eye, it seems to be. I guess the next time someone passes that comment, we just got to ask “So?”and see what they reply.
I wish this rule was posted in my workplace.
My female coworkers are so obsessed with weight. God forbid they are talking about something not work related… that thing is usually weight, diets, how they’ve been “good” (with food) and how they’ve been “bad”.
They fawn over this one woman who has lost so much weight that she actually looks ill. She just had a baby and she’s breastfeeding and only living on ABC (I’m leaving the numbers out – as they can be triggering) calories a day.
My female boss actually encouraged me to tell my female coworker how great it was that she lost a little weight. This coworker was so obsessed with weight loss that she wasn’t sleeping very much and she stopped showering and pretty much lived at the gym. I’m supposed to encourage this? When I brought up these facts, my boss claimed she didn’t notice them. She can notice 5 lbs weight loss… but not the greasy, smelly hair and acne outbreak due to lack of showering?
It’s just so sad. These women are really amazing in some ways and I wonder if they even see it.
One of them used to train with famous gymnasts. Another is climbing up the ladder of promotions in record time and she’s super smart. The other two have wonderful families and love their kids… But what do they talk about? Weight. Bad cookies. Good salads. What a shame… I wonder how much more these women would achieve if they didn’t waste so much energy on unrealistic beauty ideals.
They looked at me like I was an alien when I suggested they love their fat. The irony is that none of them are even overweight and the concept is still so very foreign to them. How sad.
There’s always the polite “mona lisa” smile and icy. cold. silence. as you stare back at them in response and wait for them to feel as uncomfortable as they might have made you…effectively saying, “Certainly you must not have meant me to actually respond to such a crass question. I will decline to respond, thus giving you a moment to recover your good senses, you unbearable asshat.” *hahaha!*
… she stopped showering and pretty much lived at the gym. I’m supposed to encourage this? When I brought up these facts, my boss claimed she didn’t notice them. She can notice 5 lbs weight loss… but not the greasy, smelly hair and acne outbreak due to lack of showering?
Eeew!!!
In my workplace that behaviour would be considered a sign of depression and someone would tactfully suggest that she see a counsellor.
i’m still ticked about this comment!!!!
A co-worker has gotten into Weight Watchers lately – she is in her early 20’s and a size 6. I overhear her talking about points and calories and whining about how she can’t eat this or that and I just shake my head. We had this conversation in the break room yesterday as I was heating up my lunch:
Her: Hey, I’m going to start up a weight watchers group at [company]. All the admin ladies are interested. Want to join?
Me: No, thanks. Too much work for me.
Her: [Company] is going to donate a dollar to charity for every pound we lose. I’ve lost 6.2 pounds in two weeks. That’s pretty good.
Me: I’m not interested. I think I’d rather cut off one of my fingers.
Her: Oh. Okay.
It boggles my mind that a) she assumed I’d want to go on a diet and b) when I said I wasn’t interested she still tried to pressure me into it (“but it’s for charity!”). The look on her face when I said I’d rather cut off one of my fingers was priceless.
Her: [Company] is going to donate a dollar to charity for every pound we lose. I’ve lost 6.2 pounds in two weeks. That’s pretty good.
Me: I’m not interested. I think I’d rather cut off one of my fingers.
Her: Oh. Okay.
It boggles my mind that a) she assumed I’d want to go on a diet and b) when I said I wasn’t interested she still tried to pressure me into it (”but it’s for charity!”). The look on her face when I said I’d rather cut off one of my fingers was priceless.
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LOL!!! Love it. Hehehehehehe…
uh, Rude! Who taught someone to talk like that? And Jennie I can’t believe the audacity of that girl love how she tries to pin the fact on you that she lost weight in just two weeks! Come on like we haven’t heard that one before!